I don’t understand the game
Or who I meant to be
It’s driving me insane
The way you’re playing me
Help me to see
Who I can be
Help me to know
Where I can go
Take me out of myself again
Help me lose control
Show me love, show me happiness
I can’t do this on my own
-Michael Kiwanuka, “Rule the World”
I’ve been struggling with this for years, but thinking about it again throughout my sabbatical and as I begin to work again- What does it look like to serve God with increasing organizational power? How do I navigate the organizational “ladder” and the “game” without losing my soul?
I’ve been asking that question to myself for years… and I can’t say I have found new answers; only to remember my identity in God and to surrender the subtly similar identities that are actually hubris and pride… and sometimes it’s so hard to discern that I just want to come down from the place of leadership…
But here’s what I know, and am still figuring out how to live out- The key to living well on the “ladder” is acknowledging my beloved identity in God, and to surrender my thirst for love from others… so that I can reverse the flow that my flesh desires in freely giving love to others. It’s also ironic- one’s (alright… my.) false self desires status in the eyes of others for more love- but it’s actually quite lonely there. It requires a deeper connection to the eternal supply of God’s love, especially in ministry. It’s only there that the reality of “status” and “position” feel advantageous- not to gain anything from those I lead, but to give freely to those I love… but with greater ability to give, I have to come to the realization that I myself don’t have enough to give, and I must once again dig deeper wells into the limitless supply of His love.
God… Show me real love, show me real happiness.