Who I’m Becoming

As I am coming into a new season in my life and profession… I’m realizing how much growing is ahead of me. One place I’m realizing I need to grow is for my different selves to stop fighting for attention and come into harmony with one another… I need to remember I am more than a goofy person and can’t let it excuse myself from being a visionary, a leader and a pastor. Continually I am learning that God made all of me and they don’t operate separate but they were meant to work in harmony. I can be confident in more than just my “screwing around and joking” self. I find I have been working like a pendulum between the different segments of my personality… with each part fighting the others and never allowing the expression of the others when one is dominant.

Usually how this manifests in me is I become this ridiculous clown, doing crazy things, yelling inappropriate jokes for the shock value… this is an easy, relateable side of me.

But I allow it to only me and I discredit myself- not just in front of others, but it is a belief in myself- that people will not value my leadership so I will try to be their friend first.

Today, after a conversation with somebody, I’m thinking about how much faith God has in me even when I don’t. That, yes, he did give me a ridiculous sense of humor and that I’m a fun loving person… but i use it to excuse myself from real leadership and calling sometimes. I have to remember that I have a calling to lead and to be a person of authority… and just because I’m a fun person, I don’t have to disqualify myself with my “fun-ness”. They can co-exist, and they don’t have to fight one another…

And perhaps as I allow my serious side to flourish… the clown inside of me will find new life :).

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