I’ve been in a season where I’ve been invited repeatedly into areas of power and influence… while the Lord keeps calling me to more places of powerlessness. My ego can’t take it. Every time I get an opportunity, my ego seems to grow uncontrollably every time. In efforts to control the growth of my false self, my default answer has been to just say no… to everything. I had a great conversation with another good friend in the ministry about how in trying to control our false selves, we just keep “throwing out the baby with the bath water”. In the process of trying to rid ourselves of our sinful patterns, we throw away the created and kingdom gifts within ourselves. This practice of sin management is all motivated by fear… ironic really. It just seems like a lose-lose situation. I say yes, my head gets bigger with pride, I say no, I wallow in self pity.

But really, I know the third way. I just don’t like it. Embrace the powerlessness. His strength is made known in my weakness. I have to surrender not just the power that this world offers me, but my actual desire for it. Count the gifts I have as a springboard towards thanksgiving and worship of the Giver, not for more power. I long to arrive at that place where my identity is not based on whether I have power or not, free from being defined by my lack or abundance of influence, but by how influenced I am by my Father. It’s a matter of turning my active pursuit of influence upon others into a passive receptivity of influence from He that is the source of all love, identity, freedom and fulfillment.

…easier blogged about than done though. God, change my heart…


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