My mind and heart have been going through a lot lately. It’s been so much that I haven’t been able to express it out as I used to in my exhibitionist days when I would blog every thought… to blog the weekly heart surgery God has been doing on me feels too raw to put into the public, and the thoughts that are fit for the public turn into several page epithets and philosophical toolings (My last incomplete entry that has been begging for me to finish is titled “Advocacy Within the Confluence of Spheres,” and was abandoned when I realized it would be so long that anybody who attempted to read it would give up reading it a quarter of the way through).
If you really only keep up with me through this blog, however, the best way to describe myself in this season is actually that exact sense of inability to tackle the discipline of blogging. The summary is… powerlessness. In the process of transformation, my heart has been torn open the deepest I have felt in a long time, and I have felt a constant sense of tattered brokenness this semester. I’ve also been forced to dream and vision well beyond my own ability and agency with the ministry God has placed me in. My contexts of ministry have become more complicated than I could have ever imagined, and my thoughts, theories, strategies and gifts have proven insufficient to face all the nuances and sweeping themes.
It has left me in a state of powerlessness, where I must finally face the finitude of myself, and the possibility that my faith is more than a mental or social construct that I place upon myself to manipulate myself out of paralysis. That my faith really is in a God with power far beyond my finiteness and with motives that are for me more than my own egotistical obsession with self and image.
Well, that’s who You are, supposedly, right? Well I’m done trying to avoid situations where I’ll have to depend on it… it was inescapable in the first place. I’m done pretending I’m in control. The control is Your’s, because it never was in my possession in the first place.
And perhaps, just perhaps, I might be surprised afterwards to find that my tight grip on control and success was blocking me from seeing the most amazing display of His kingdom breaking forth into this broken world.
I’m not ready to miss out on that.