Moving always makes me a little contemplative. It’s a hectic experience, taking all that you own, boxing it up and then dumping them all into a place that you’ve never slept in… But it’s simultaneously a highly nostalgic and sentimental experience. You begin to sort through your things, you go through the layers of your mess, and realize that the place you live in contains so much experience.
My thoughts wandered to when I first moved to Carlsbad. I remember how sulky I was at my old house at Enders. Just a sulky mess. I didn’t want to leave the community of guys who had been so key to my growth in college. I stalled packing, my roommates had to come in while I wasn’t watching and pack for me at one moment. Pitiful. I still laugh at myself slightly embarrassed when I think about it. I remember driving towards my new place in Carlsbad, driving slowly as my former roommate Scott drove up with his truck that contained my big furniture. Usually I’m a fast driver, but that day I didn’t mind the slow crawl.
I was angry. I was angry because moving up to North county meant that I was going to be up there for a long time. I had been living on an assumption that if I lived far away from MiraCosta, I could ditch it easier. Living closer meant I would actually have to love MiraCosta, I’d actually have to love the community, the people… and call it my own. I did not want to, and I was angry that God had placed this obligation to obey Him in this area.
Yesterday, as I was driving to my new place with a load of things in my car, I realized that if I could go back in time and change it all, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t let myself give into my anger, my sulking, my resistance to obey. I have grown too much in these last 2 years of living in North County to tell myself not to do it. I have grown to love the place and the people up here too much. No, I do not regret being in North County. In fact, I am proud to be part of this community.
I prayed a scary prayer a few years ago… I have regretted praying it many times. I think I prayed because it was poetic, not because I really thought about the implications and price of praying this prayer: “God, help me love MiraCosta and its community. Don’t let me leave until it hurts just as much to leave MiraCosta just as much as it hurt to leave UCSD.”
Today, I don’t regret praying it.