I was sitting with my team leader a couple weeks ago. She looked at me and told me how much I had grown and that I was ready to take her place. I had grown so much in maturity… but she looked straight at me- “but Daniel, what you don’t have yet, but I’m excited for God to start growing in you, is to give you a voice. You have no voice sometimes, Daniel. You have authority.”
It’s ironic that I don’t have a voice. In college I used to be the crazy dreamer. I was the guy yelling out vision from the rooftops. God gave me a heart for UCSD so much. Much of the reason why I was at UCSD was because God gave me specific signs that I was called to UCSD. And my heart would break for that campus. I remember the pictures God gave me, the visions. I remember sobbing with the heartbreak of His Spirit at the foot of Geisel, in the late hours in the abandoned classrooms in Center Hall. I had a voice, and it was not my own. It was (to borrow some language from Brennan Manning) the furious longing of a lovesick God. Many people looked at it strangely, many others agreed quietly. I don’t agree with all of what I did- I was a lot less mature then, but there was something ferocious and genuine about the things God was putting on my heart.
And then… God told me to leave. The last year I was a student at UCSD was one of the most fruitful and explosive years we had seen. In one Large group, we saw over 50 people stand up to receive Christ. We had seen a person healed of cancer. At the same time, the signs were clear- God was telling me to leave. Much of my heart was torn- Why was God making me leave right when what I had been crying for was actually happening at UCSD? Why was He sending me to a place like MiraCosta?
I can’t really articulate what’s been happening to me these last few weeks… Some of it because I don’t think it should be that public and some of it because i’m still piecing it together… but God is teaching me to vision again, to dream again, to be a prophet again. I found myself weeping again though. But these tears… they were so familiar but so different. They were for MiraCosta now.
Again, this is a strange feeling. There were some things that have been happening in my spirit these past few weeks. I’m still trying to piece it together. Something, though, is being restored in me that has not been awake in a long time. There are groanings in me that I don’t understand, but are so familiar.
God’s kingodm is not limited to a place. It is rushing around us, and is ready to break into our realities with healing and restoration. The question is not if our current locality and temporality contain the movement of God, but if we are brave enough to see the movement of God surrounding all of space and time, in the process of restoring reality to the wholeness of the Kingdom.
This entry is scattered, because my mind and heart are scattered as well. But this chaos is of God, and I sense there is a higher order to it all. Can’t wait to see where it goes, and what God wants to do at MiraCosta.