Today, I had my first real sabbath in a long time.
And it was good.
I have been in a season of mourning for so long. Every time I think the mourning has ended, and something new can finally begin, something else begins to show signs of temporality. It is confusing, at times, to live in this state of ever-flowing time, when we are built for eternity. I keep grasping for things to hold onto, hoping that they would last for what my heart is built for.
But they keep slipping out of my hands, and i feel them slipping out of the cracks of my fist like grains of sand. It results in this chaotic frenzy of grasping in which the world just feels vaporous around me.
But this world is real. It is temporary, but for some reason, God created this temporary-ness so that we could experience something about Him, so that we could experience growth.
Perhaps things are not slipping away, but they are simply growing into something new. The old, cracked walls no longer look as pristine in the way that they were originally created, but somehow even their decay is redeemed, and something beautiful is being painted on top of the decay, using even the decay as the backdrop and foundation of that beauty.
I’ve had to let go of a lot of things this past month. Some more painful than others. Some taking longer to let go than others. Some things perpetually dangled in front of me with an illusion that I can hold on longer. But really, I need to let go and fall back upon the one solid thing in my life again. I have to remember that I am still secure, in the grasp of my creator.
This is one of the first mourning seasons in my life where the thought of becoming angry at God has not overtaken my senses… or I was angry, but all of a sudden, it has all subsided. I’m brought into the wide perspective that I am not alone, that He has brought good things into my life, and that they were never meant to last compared to His goodness.