I don’t usually blog about this subject anymore (IMHO, it is so easy to just whine, and sound pitiful), but as of late, there is nothing to write about. I doubt anyone enjoys these types of entries, but I need to just keep my fingers typing, and my mind expressing its thoughts or it may blow up. Plus, xanga is dying. But seldom do the incessant debates against myself and God in my head die.
several people have asked if I have found a special somebody yet. Actually 3 or 4 people in the last week have just taken me aside and talked to me very concerned that i’ll become a lonely hermit in North County or gay and i’ll never pass on the family name. It is even worse at every wedding I go to back home when people look at me with a strange wink and ask if I’ve swooned some girl into my arms yet.
My confession is that usually, there is always some one on my mind. But lately, there has been this strange liberating feeling that there is nobody’s haunting presence in my thoughts. Or even if I want her to haunt my thoughts, I realize the impracticality of it all. It’s just been how post-college life goes. Everyone disappears. I have to start over. There are attractive people I meet in my job from everywhere- but they are all far away, so I just don’t let the thought creep in with them (at least I try… some stay in my head longer than they need to… but that’s for another entry). Distance.
It is distance. It has really brought me to a place I have to depend on God. I have been debating with God on why I am in San Diego North County. No Chinese people. Not much community. Fresno plopped down onto the coast, and you get Oceanside, CA, where my campus is. It looks utterly boring save that it is next to the beach.
But it is the students. I realized that if somebody offered me a position nearer to San Diego proper, my first instinct would be to take it. But then a huge force would stop me. I would feel it pin me down and make me think longer. That force would be the faces of the students that I work with. I may hate North County, but what has become increasingly clear is that I love these students.
So it brings me to a strange tension. We always talk about developing healthy ministry habits. But we also talk about sacrificing EVERYTHING for the gospel.
Sacrifice even community, at the risk of loneliness? Sacrifice the health of my soul? I need people around me. I need relationship. It comes to the point where it’s not just about being loved by a girl, but really, it’s the prospect of being totally, utterly alone in a place that I’m not sure that I love.
seek ye first the Kingdom of God… and all these things shall be given unto you…
I really wonder if I believe that. This call to sacrifice for the Kingdom of God. To die with Christ. I genuinely question it each day. I obediently sacrifice to God, but only in action. My heart is far from obedience.
I need to learn what it means to die. But dying is scary, because you are never sure if you will ever come back to life. And dying is definitely not healthy for our souls.
So back to everyone’s incessant questioning about me and relationships- really… I’ve been forced to adopt the “true love waits” philosophy. I usually hate this philosophy because usually it’s a good mask for our fear of taking what God has given us. That’s what I usually use it for.
But to wait is not insecurity. It is confidence in something greater. Greater than perhaps even the things I wait on. We usually have no problem trusting that God would be the one that is able to provide all things… but I honestly have the biggest problem trusting that God actually knows what to provide for me. His power to provide is not in question, but his omniscience is in question (How silly of me to question such things, eh?).
Really, I just project my past hurts of rejection on God. And perhaps that’s not fair for me to do that.
It’s really that fear of rejection that is core to all of this. Like what if what I’ve been searching for, waiting for, longing for… is right in front of me and I’ve refused to see it that way in order to protect myself from being rejected or disappointed? Perhaps not as much for relationships, but in terms of calling. What if… North County is where God is calling me, but I refuse to let the thought enter my mind… or worse yet… my heart? I fear trusting it fully because it can disappoint. I fear commitment because I know I will put too much of myself into it, and it will hurt more because of that when the commitment proves to be put in the wrong place. It makes me scared of sacrificing and dying for something- because what if what I sacrifice for is something that will in the end hurt me even more?