I broke down today and bought a hillsongs united album. Perhaps I actually missed hearing worship with simple chords and repetitive choruses. My self-critical artistic conscience (a.k.a. my pride) shudders at myself.
I have not bought a worship album for several years. I swear I didn’t realize what I was doing… the itunes button just got pressed. the last worship album i actually bought and paid money for, not “borrowed”… must have been…. July ’06 i bought a Charlie hall album because i heard a cool riff in it. It ended up being the only cool thing in it. I think the last worship album that I enjoyed was David Crowder’s “A Collision” back in october of 2005. and I have no idea if there was anything for a significantly long time before that album that i really enjoyed or piqued my interest.
3-4 years of blah worship music.
or is it that it’s been 3-4 years of me forgetting how to worship? Is it the music that has lost its sense of awe or is it myself that has lost its sense of awe for this God that I serve? Did the music REALLY get any worse? or is it my heart that’s gotten harder?
People used to pray over me and say I was a worshipper and had the “heart of david”. Have I really changed that much? I remember this fire inside me that burned so much that I could no longer sing but I found myself screaming and curled up on the floor, probably scaring everyone around me. It comes with a lot of emotional baggage from realizations about my own insecurities and my need to conjure up emotion and equating it with the Holy Spirit… but really- Is maturity worth the price of stifling the fire that once burned so intensely in me? “Coming back to the heart of worship” has never been more relevant yet so difficult to do for me before.
GOD RESTORE MY SENSE OF AWE.
This is where there is a moment of awkward silence because i realize I am not only writing, but people are watching me talk to and shout at myself in a strangely mentally ill state… and I change the subject in fear that they will send me to a mental asylum… but perhaps more because of a fear that more of my disbelief and pride will be exposed…
thus is the state of the post-charismatic individual. torn, wounded, as if the language of love he once used has been torn out and forgotten from his lips by himself… and the extreme regret he feels as he tries again to use the language and it comes out stumbling out in incoherent movements of his tongue and empty noises spilling out of his mouth. Now it seems like no language is his own. He has traveled all over the world in search of a language that will make his heart sing again, but it seems that sense of resonance has remained hidden and elusive.
“The third of Krios wrapped itself
in gray. The sun was merciful and
never rose. the morning brought a
breeze that stiffened to a gale. The
welcome smell of sweet young rain
became a furied hint of promises the
heavens shortly kept. Rain drenched
the earth in torrents of the love
that great Father-Spirit now scattered
in the dust.
So Terra came alive and people ran
into the streets to feel the water
and the wind. None were ashamed
to see themselves soaked in driving
It was the changing of the age-
the great fulfillment of the ancient
vow the woman wrote down in her
scroll. And as the rain streamed
down his face, Anthem also praised
Earthmaker that his Beloved had come
back. He stood and shouted out
above the crowd:
‘Earthmaker rides the Wind.
The Singer has returned…’
Sound ripped through density.
Communication coursed again
through human isolation. And
Anthem spoke- no longer gibberish-
but words and sentences, and all his
words were understood.”
– Calvin Miller
As wide as sky
I need language wide as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing you
That I’ve yet to find”