Thoughts too big for twitter, (Finding God in Wisconsin)

I’ve seen several other people observe this phenomenon- Twitter has made people much briefer and not as elaborate (and maybe dumber), and it has made blogging much more difficult.

Well. it’s true.

In the meantime, as I figure out how to write profusely again, here are some choices God has been giving me lately…

Am I God’s employee or His lover?

Is my life defined on the fear and/or shame of failing God or in His unconditional affirming embrace?

Will I fight myself or realize that “myself” is what He loves the most?

Will I keep myself in control or will I surrender it to God?

The choice to believe that God is not only a good God, but a loving God, is a choice I realized I have not made in a very long time. I cannot live under the shame of obligated obedience and the shame produced by the futility of attempting that kind of obedience.

My obedience must be rooted in love. My determination must be rooted in love. I love how David Benner makes the distinction between “willing obedience” and “willful obedience”. I’ve been making all these hard choices of obedience in these past 2 years, but rarely have I allowed God to remind me that it’s because He loves me. These aren’t the commands of an overbearing boss, but the desires of a loving father.

I look back at the past 3 years and realize that God has been patiently waiting for me to love Him back. But I’ve been obeying out of passive agressiveness, refusing to let His love break into my heart. This past week, the knocks finally became un-ignorable and I found myself sitting by the hotel pool weeping because the love I had been avoiding since my desert season ended 3 years ago had finally pinned me down and demanded my attention. After my desert season, I was talking to God again, but He wasn’t just satisfied with that. He wasn’t satisfied with me just hearing His voice. He wasn’t satisfied with sacrificial but obligated obedience. He wanted me to love talking to Him. He wanted me to love hearing His voice. He wanted me to love choosing obedience.

God is more than a static presence. He is more than a stoic peace. Although peaceful, it is a violent and furious longing that defines the heart of our Father.

I came home realizing I could worship like I used to again. I let myself feel His love again, and didn’t fake it. And… it felt good.

…how He loves us…